THE BEST CUPCAKE IN THE UNIVERSE
The cupcake known as Cake Batter / Photo credit: Susannah Breslin
Today I visited Molly's Cupcakes. I'd heard they're the best cupcakes in town. But are they? As an investigative journalist, I knew it was my responsibility to find out the truth.
I made my way through the teeming crowds of young straight people who have ruined the neighborhood for the gays over the last decade and stepped into Molly's. I'd seen online there was a counter with swings for chairs, but all the swings were occupied by boxes of cupcakes, thwarting my plans for eating a cupcake while sitting in a swing.
Immediately, I noticed everyone working at Molly's was a) female and b) extremely attractive. The attractiveness was so endemic that I wondered if it was some kind of a plan. Probably, unattractive girls were turned away, unaccepted applications in hand, on a regular basis. Also, every girl was perky and seemed genuinely happy. Maybe it was the cupcakes.
I picked half a dozen cupcakes from the case. Behind the counter, two marginally older but similarly attractive females were assembling cupcakes. It looked like serious business.
I wondered how wise it was to buy a cupcake named Cake Batter. What kind of a person buys a cupcake pregnant with raw cake batter? Me, I would realize later, as I cut into the blue-topped wonder and cake batter spilled forth like a Chicken Kiev I once had at the Russian Tea Room.
Cupcake porn starring the Ron Bennington / Photo credit: Susannah Breslin
At home, I took the cupcakes up to the roof deck. The sky: blue. The breeze: soft. In the distance, sailboats wiggled on the lake.
I sliced open the Ron Bennington with a fork. As far as desserts go, the Ron Bennington is an obscenity. A chocolate orgy of peanut butter filling and crushed butterscotch flakes. It is wrong. It is immoral. It is tasty.
The Ron Bennington is Molly's most popular cupcake. Apparently, it is named for this guy. It does not taste like a cigar.
Cocoa the Dog admires Peanut Butter Nutella / Photo credit: Susannah Breslin
What flavor is this cupcake? I forgot what I had ordered by the time I walked out of the store. I called them up to find out what I had. This one was a mystery. Quite possibly, it's the Peanut Butter Nutella. The cupcake wears a cookie like a hat. The middle hides a glob of Peanut Butter Nutella. The dog and I enjoyed it.
Is it good for you? Does it matter? / Photo credit: Susannah Breslin
I began to feel slightly nauseous. Thankfully, I'm a veteran reporter with over a decade of experience. I plowed onward.
The Peach Cobbler you can almost believe is good for you. I mean, it has a piece of fruit on it. A thin slice of peach soaked in sugar syrup, but fruit nevertheless. The cake is cobblery. Whip cream, peach puree, and brown sugar streusel are involved. This would be good for breakfast. Every day. Forever.
A wasp buzzed into the cupcake zone. I picked up my notebook and struck the wasp. It landed on the ground a few feet away, half-crushed.
So many cupcakes, so few stomachs / Photo credit: Susannah Breslin
Last year, I sampled cupcakes dispensed by a cupcake ATM. Molly's Cupcakes are better. Also, they are $3.75 a pop. The girl on the phone said the one on the upper-right was Molten Chocolate. Like a volcano of deliciousness.
I pulled the paper wrapper off, and the top of the cupcake came off in my hand, revealing the chocolate ooze inside. If this cupcake were a sin, it would be sloth.
Part candy bar, part cake, all guilty pleasure.
Me want cupcake / Photo credit: Susannah Breslin
Meet Cookie Monster. A mini chocolate chip cookie. A dollop of whip cream sprinkled with chocolate chips. A vanilla chocolate chip cake. A raw cookie dough center.
I bite into the Cookie Monster and decide I will live the rest of my life in the spirit of this cupcake. Unabashedly, it is what it is, lacking self-consciousness, utterly Cookie Monsterish. It is the best cupcake in the universe.
The wasps swarming, I notice a smear of frosting obscures part of my notes. I grab what remains and run inside, the dog trailing after me. My work here is done.