ALL THE NEWS THAT'S UNFIT TO PRINT: 11.23.13

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Anthony Weiner's sexting pal Sydney Leathers is going to auction off a body part. [TMZ]

Porn star Houston did that over a decade ago. [Arena]

Riff Raff chillin with Hef. [Terry's Diary]

Invisible panties require $9,955 to meet Kickstarter goal. [Kickstarter]

Did you see the "Nymphomaniac" trailer before YouTube pulled it? [Likemotion]

Welcome to the Institute of Oral Love. [Twitter]

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission enjoys porn. [Washington Times]

You're so sexy when you aren't transmitting STDs. [This Might Hurt]

Clayton Cubitt shot Rick Ross for The Source. [Instagram]

"Webcamming is the newest evolutionary form of selling sex appeal." [Tricksy Tangy]

Cara Delevingne likes to play soccer. [The Cut]

He was her drama teacher -- and a porn star. [Salon]

Name your persona. [Nowness]

Underwear flash mob, briefs edition. [BuzzFeed]

Jack Ruby ran a strip club. [Slate]

"The sight of two bearded men crocheting on either end of a long, floppy phallus or umbilical cord gets a variety of responses from audiences." [Chicago Reader]

Seven streakers share their stories. [Extra Mustard]

An Apple-banned comic book introduces "Obamacore" porn. [AV Club]

Vacuum-wrapped couples are closer. [Feature Shoot]

Thanks to Indie Nudes, Fleshbot, and Egotastic for the link love!

I GET EMAIL

"The reason why I want to make money being a male is because I can’t find a good job I love to have sex with women I am still a virgin so long I got to lose it I look so young than I can I am aman who wants to obey and do the right thing to command women and I love sex with women no problem if you wants me or not it is ok I love the naked women I seen on this computer please email me at [redacted] bye"

THE CAM GIRL KILLED THE VIDEO HO

In Childish Gambino's new music video for his "3005" track off his forthcoming Because the Internet album, porn star Abella Anderson, whose work you may be familiar with if you've seen "Ass Parade 33" or "Sexy Senoritas 5," plays a cam girl and their exchange is the lyrics. Anderson also appeared in Gambino's short film, "Clapping for the Wrong Reasons."

[XXL]

GTA V TATTOO

That's gotta hurt.

From Trent Wolbe's "Is It Real, or Is It 'GTA V'? A Trippy Travelogue on the Streets of Los Santos":

"Tracey’s misguided quest for fame finds her at the beck and call of yet another ponytailed douchebag, a Seacrestian talent show host called Lazlow. After a blackmail mission fails to keep the star-making predator away from his daughter, Michael turns to the tattoo parlor to create a more indelible impression — Rockstar raises the bar in the 'fulfilling disgusting ambitions of teenage males' game by allowing the player to tattoo a giant cock and balls on an enemy’s back."

[The Verge]

SPEAKING OF DATES

Drink me.

Speaking of dates, the other day I consumed a $40 Bloody Mary loaded with food for my Forbes blog, SIN INC. As I mention in passing in the piece, while I was waiting for my monstrosity of a cocktail to arrive, two women were seated two tables away. They were in their early thirties, I think. They were attractive. One was a redhead. Basically, they were sharing their stories of dating. This guy took her out, but he's really busy, so she probably won't see him again for a while. And then, ha-ha!, and, tee-hee, and so it went. It was like watching an episode of "Sex and the City" with no soundtrack and less cool clothes.

[Forbes]

THE HAPPY HOOKER

"Icon Models had interests like classical music and equestrian sports. They hunted pheasant, studied at Oxford, knew the difference between a watch and a timepiece and could participate in a debate over the superiority of Walker Black vs. Laphroaig. They had pedigree, or at least the ability to appear like they did. They also had an expensive wardrobe, the ability to sit up straight, speak proper English and pretend for a couple of hours that they were genuinely interested in the hobbies and fineries of the ruling class."

[Vocativ]

LYRICS OF THE DAY

"Clappers," Wale featuring Nicki Minaj & Juicy J.

"Shout out to that cellulite
Got a real bad bitch that will sell you white"

[Rap Genius]

SATAN IS OFFENDED

Texas Monthly editor Jason Cohen notes the phrase "face-fucked by Satan" appears in a recent issue of the New Yorker.

PuckerButt Pepper Company

From "Fire-Eaters: The Search for the Hottest Chili" by Lauren Collins:

"Then, in August of last year, Ed Currie, of the PuckerButt Pepper Company, of Fort Mill, South Carolina, unveiled a new contender. Currie announced, 'The PuckerButt Pepper Company has raised the bar for hot pepper heat intensity by producing an amazing hot pepper, the Smokin’ Ed’s Carolina Reaper, which surpasses the current world record holder, the Butch T Trinidad Scorpion.' The Carolina Reaper’s recommended uses, according to PuckerButt’s Web site, included hot sauces, salsa, and 'settling old scores.' Steven Leckart wrote in Maxim that eating one was 'like being face-fucked by Satan.'"

When I was an undergrad at UC Berkeley, one of my writing professors was author Maxine Hong Kingston. She told a story in which she claimed to have been responsible for the first "fuck" in the New Yorker. She stated she advocated for its inclusion by arguing its one-syllable-ness made it more Chinese-like, and therefore the ideal word choice.

SEX CRIMINALS

Have you read Sex Criminals? It's a new series by Matt Fraction and Chip Zdarsky. It was banned by Apple.

Sex Criminals #1

A SEX COMEDY FOR COMICS: Suzie's a normal girl with an extraordinary ability: when she has sex, she stops time. One night she meets John... who has the same gift. And so they do what any other sex-having, time-stopping, couple would do: they rob banks. In the vein of THE 40-YEAR OLD VIRGIN and BRIDESMAIDS, Image Comics invites you to come along with MATT FRACTION (Hawkeye, SATELLITE SAM) and CHIP ZDARSKY (Prison Funnies, Monster Cops) for the series that puts the "comic" back in "comics" and the "sexy" back in "sex crimes."

You can download #1 for free on comiXology, and you can buy #2, #3, and soon #4 on Image Comics.

I GET EMAIL

"Ok I'm [redacted] i want to do porn so can you help me"

$30,000 LOUBOUTINS

Sotheby's

Just in time for the holidays, Sotheby's is auctioning off a pair of bespoke red spiked Christian Louboutin patent leather boots for a mere $20,000 to $30,000. They are literally one of a kind: "The pair of boots will be made to size for the buyer." The Global Fund to Fight AIDS, Tuberculosis, and Malaria benefit auction items were picked by Steve Jobs "spiritual partner at Apple" Jony Ive and $968,000 Lockheed Lounge chair designer Marc Newson. Other goods include a $10,000 to $15,000 George Lucas-autographed Stormtrooper helmet in its "original cardboard 'Star Wars' Stormtrooper box."

[The Cut]

PRODUCTIVITY IS OVERRATED

"Put your lack of productivity into perspective. Nobody else is getting anything done either, which explains the thriving market in time-management apps; it's like when you go into a club with a bit of paper stuck in the loos saying 'ANYONE CAUGHT DOING/ DEALING DRUGS WILL ASKED TO LEAVE', you know for a fact the place is crawling with dealers/ wasted punters and you're going to have a great night."

[wikiHow / Copyranter]

NICE REAR END

"Which ass?" [1013MM]

STOYA & JAMES DEEN

Stoya / Photo credit: Steven Klein

Photographer Steven Klein shot adult film star Stoya and boyfriend/adult film star James Deen for Arena Homme +. Previously, Klein shot Stoya for Richardson's A5 issue.

The text accompanying the Arena editorial begins:

"This is a story about a new kind of romance. It is a story about a pair who has fucked this way and that way with much of America watching. It is a story nonetheless of intimacy, of love declarations, of a true-life couple whose relationship has been founded in explicit overexposure."

[Fashion Copious]

THE TROUBLE WITH SEXTING

"My ex-fiancé, who left me at the altar and broke my heart, sends me the filthiest sexts when he’s drunk, but they are interlaced with all this emotional, super-heavy shit, too. Like, 'I remember how it felt to be deep in your mouth.' Then a second later, 'I made so many mistakes ... can we start over?' One said, 'I’ll never love anyone the way I loved you.' Five minutes later, 'Must cum in your ass tonight or will die.' I e-mailed him recently and said, 'It sounds like you have some stuff to say to me? Do you want to talk?' and he responded with something totally detached like, 'Hmm … traveling all summer but maybe in the Fall?' It’s so confusing."

[The Cut]

MISS BUTTERFLY

Jenyne Butterfly is quite possible the world's greatest pole dancer. [Nerve]

EAT ME

Behold, the Burt Reynolds eclair.

"It might be hard to believe if you weren’t a lonely housewife in the early-70s… But Burt Reynolds was once considered a sex symbol. So much so, that he once posed butt-nekkid on a bear skin rug, and the aforementioned women swooned. Now, the bear skin has been replaced with chocolate and cream, and the iconic image is now an eclair."

[Foodiggity]

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY

Who needs Cartier when you can be Cuntier?

According to the Daily Beast:

"It all started one day in July, he said, when he was talking to a friend about a recent visit to a Cartier store. 'She was having a watch fixed and they were giving her trouble, and she was like, "Ugh, they are being cunts," and I was like, "Oooh, they are Cuntier!"'" he told The Daily Beast.

[This Isn't Happiness]