Hollywood Walk of Dildos

I took this photo in an adult store on Hollywood Boulevard. For more of my photos, follow me on Instagram.

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Porn Rules The World In This Provocative New Art Installation

This article was originally published on Forbes.com on August 7, 2018.

It's a pity that I can't share photos here of the best part of Pornhub Nation, an art installation created by artists Maggie West and Ryder Ripps and underwritten by Pornhub, a massive adult video streaming site. The immersive experience sprawls across a series of dark rooms in Union, a nightclub in central Los Angeles, but the most interesting portion can be found in a small and intimate room at the top of a flight of stairs. There, a visitor can wander around and peer through the glass at a series of what look like plants from some oversexed nature of the future. From the leaves grow large adult toys in the shapes of phalluses. The effect is terrarium like, and the mood, to use West's word, is "ethereal." The pieces are artfully painted and luminous in the blacklight. Who knew that something so lovely could be found on a Wednesday morning in a near-empty club where the art has been funded not by the National Endowment for the Arts, but by a company devoted to profits and which delivers graphic content to the masses?

The 3,000-square-foot, tongue-in-cheek conceit of the art show is that you have been transported to the year 2069. Apparently, a group has fled the ... country? the planet? for somewhere else, maybe an island, maybe something that looks like the moon, in order to live a more sexually free existence, one that is controlled by an adult company. In the press materials for the show, Pornhub claims "90 million daily visitors," and its vice president, Corey Price, ventures: "Considering the exponential rate at which we are growing, maybe it wouldn't be totally out of the question to see a Pornhub-themed utopian society formed by the year 2069." I am dubious. But I'm not in the porn business. So maybe he has a point.

In total, Pornhub Nation is a clever send up of what a pornified utopia might look like and a gentle smack to the face of our joyless bureaucracies of the present. The first room — the "National Gallery” — features West's photos of this X-rated nation's presidents, and they're all porn stars: Asa Akira, Riley Reid, and Abella Danger among them. In the next room, the "Domination Masochistic Vroomvroom," which is lit red with neon and boasts a stage upon which stand mannequins clad in fetish garb, we are greeted with a challenging proposition: What would a sexy Department of Motor Vehicles look like? Whips and paddles are affixed to the walls, and one driver safety sign reminds: "Don't whip your whip or you'll be whipped." Apparently, when the club is open, visitors have been trying to remove the fetish tools from the walls, despite the fact that they're firmly anchored there. After all, this is art, not a sex dungeon.

My favorite part of the show was the ball pit — or the "National Silicon [sic?] Reserve." It was filled with flesh-colored balls that reminded one of breast implants. A sign on the wall cautioned against diving or removing one's pants. West instructed me to remove my shoes. Once in the pit, I found myself sinking into the balls. Momentarily, I lost my balance and wondered if I would drown in the porn pit. After extracting myself, I realized that in my disorientation I had put my shoes on the wrong feet.

The next room — "This is our space program," West said — offered a send up of NASA, and while their new acronym is not suitable for publication here, it's not difficult to guess. Overhead, two astronaut suits copulated in space. Their nearby spaceship was phallic in shape. From there, we went upstairs to the dildo plants room, which West described as a "sanctuary." It connoted the surreal beauty of Matthew Barney's work and the wacky futurism of the Orgasmatron from Woody Allen's 1973 movie, "Sleeper."

The show's conclusion was an homage to money and a sexual redux of the Internal Revenue Service. Large neon dollar signs glowed against one wall. In a far corner, visitors could don virtual reality glasses and throw virtual sex toys at a virtual Harvey Weinstein. Outside, there was a place where minglers could sit amidst more plants blooming sex toys, but there was a problem. "People just like stealing them out of the garden," West shared. In this porn world, you can look, but you can't take it home with you.

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Fuck You, Pay Me #3: Scenes From My Life Writing a Porn Novel

This is part 3 of “Fuck You, Pay Me,” an ongoing series of posts on writing, editing, and publishing. Read the rest of the series: Part 1: How To Become a Writer in 12 Easy Steps, Part 2: The Pros and Cons of Traditional vs. Indie Publishing, Part 3: Scenes From My Life Writing a Porn Novel, Part 4: Why I Hate Memoirs (but Wrote One Anyway), Part 5: 19 Ways to Make Money as a Writer, Part 6: Letters From Johns Revisited, Part 7: Some of My Favorite Things I’ve Ever Written (Journalism Edition), Part 8: Some of My Favorite Things I’ve Ever Written (Fiction Edition), Part 9: How to Promote Your Book Without Going Crazy, Part 10: The Pornification of My Life, Part 11: How to Be More Creative, Part 12: The Fine Art of Applying to Writing Residencies, Part 13: How to Be a Consultant, Part 14: Cranking the Flywheel, Part 15: Why You Should Have a Newsletter, Part 16: An Excerpt From My Memoir, Part 17: How to Write a Short Story.

I’ve been working on what I refer to as my porn novel, and it’s been going pretty well. I thought I’d share a few things I’ve learned so far. If the novel keeps moving forward, there will be more posts like this to come. By the way, my novel isn’t porn, or smut, or romance. It’s literary. I call it my porn novel for the sake of shorthand.

1. Do the math. There is nothing more daunting than writing a novel, so sometimes when I get overwhelmed, or stuck, or unsure, I quantify something that seems unquantifiable. You know, like a novel. So pretty early, I converted the project into numbers. The novel would be approximately 60,000 words long. It would consist of 12 chapters. Each chapter would be approximately 5,000 words long. Each chapter would consist of 10 sections. Each section would be approximately 500 words long. In this way, when I sit down to write, I’m writing another 500-word section of my novel, not attempting to write a novel that is 60,000-words long. Capiche?

2. Do it your way. Last year, I went to an estate sale at a Hollywood art gallery. Some of what was being sold was vintage adult movie posters. I bought a poster for a porn movie called “She Did It Her Way.” In case you can’t read between the lines, I did not feel while writing a memoir while under contract to a major publisher that I was doing it my way, so in a way the writing of this novel is an effort to go back to what I used to do, which is to write what I want to write how I want to write it, not write what I think someone else wants me to write because that is what I feel I am contractually obligated to do. This novel is all about doing it my way. The other way is bullshit.

3. Do weird shit. This novel is weird. I mean it’s written in English, but it certainly is very different. I don’t think it has any obvious comparisons in the world of novels, so I guess you could say it is quite original. Also, it has really weird stuff in it, like weird dreams, and a weird main character, and a weird kind of relentless focus on the life of a person in extreme detail to the point of being a little “Jeanne Dielman, 23 quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles”-esque. Do you know how many new books are published every year? I don’t either. But a lot. Secret: Most of them are garbage. Garbage or not, the only way to stand out from the crowd is to be weird.

4. Don’t overthink it. One thing I’m having a fair amount of success with in regards to this novel is not overthinking it. In fact, I don’t even think about it that much when I’m not working on it. I bang out these 500-word sections in about an hour, and I try not to do more than one of them a day. I allowed myself to create a draft of the first chapter that was a little messy but not overly so, and I paid a lot of attention to not dwelling on it, not sitting at the computer for a long period of time, and not spending hours of my life wondering whether or not it’s any good. I mean, it’s about the porn industry. How bad could it be? Ha-ha.

5. Don’t over revise. When I was done drafting the first chapter, which, I don’t know was done over the course of maybe a couple of weeks or a month or something, who knows, I can’t remember anymore, but not super long, I set it aside for a little bit. Then I decided I would go back and revise the first chapter. Revising my memoir was a bit of a nightmare, for reasons you may or may not be able to intuit, and I wasn’t sure when I went to revise this first chapter of my porn novel if that would be a nightmare, too. Thankfully, it wasn’t. I identified the issues pretty quickly and resolved them relatively easily. There are some things that need to be figured out and tweaked that have to do with the overall unspooling of the book, but I don’t think it will be some massive reinvention of the text. The only part I struggled a bit with was the last section of the first chapter. I’m not sure why. I’ll figure it out later.

6. Don’t stop trying. Awhile back, I wrote this post about the story of my life as a writer, and I realized as I was writing it how impactful certain events had been. Not obvious life shit, but writer shit. Like the writing residency I did in upstate New York, and the fellowship I did at U.C. Berkeley, and the seminar I did in a Philip Johnson building in Manhattan. And as I was writing the post, I recalled very clearly that for every single one of those things I applied for I was very cognizant of the fact that I didn’t think I was going to get it. But then I did. So I thought, you know, I should apply for some writing residencies for my porn novel. And then I thought, Oh, no, they’ll never pick me because this novel is literary but it is also about porn, and sometimes porn makes people twitchy. Anyway, I applied to one and more to come. Because you gotta try.

7. Decide to be transparent. If you have any awareness of me and my writing, you’ll know that I’ve tried to write this porn novel many times before, although always in different ways. This way feels different. I debated whether or not to share how it’s going at all, seeing as maybe I’ll just fail at it again, like all those other times. But then I thought, Fuck it. Who cares. One great thing about blogging is no one ever reads blogs anyway. This will be me, writing for me, about me. It will stand as a record of the point where I was now, and maybe at some point in the not-so-distant future I’ll look back on this and think: You go, girl.

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The No-Sex App

“If X is a raging erection, Threads is the blank, phallus-less space between a Ken doll’s legs.” Read the rest of my latest Reverse Cowgirl newsletter: “Threads Is the Least Sexy Social Media App in Human Existence.”

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The One About the Woodsman

“In 2017, I wrote a fictional short story about a male porn star.” Read the rest of my latest Reverse Cowgirl newsletter HERE. Don’t forget to hit it the pink button at the bottom of the newsletter to subscribe.

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On the Rack

An adult store in the San Fernando Valley. Follow me on Instagram for more photos from my life in L.A.

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Rejections

About two years ago, I wrote a short story called “Spike.” It’s about a male porn star named Tripp Towers who has an erection that won’t go away. I’ve read it at multiple literary readings, and it always goes over very well. Yet, I have been unable to publish it. Here are a sampling of some of those rejections.

Dear Susannah,

Thank you for sending us "Spikes” [sic]. We appreciate the chance to read it. Unfortunately, this one isn't a match for us. That said, it is strong, interesting piece and I both wish you luck with it and encourage you to submit again.

Thanks again.

Sincerely,
[redacted]

Hi Susannah,

Thanks so much for submitting to [redacted], we really appreciate your taking the time to send us your work. Unfortunately this piece isn't quite right for us, but I hope you'll consider sending us more work in the future, if you'd like to.

Take care,

[redacted]

Dear Susannah,

Thank you for your submission. We are honored that you considered our journal as a potential home for your writing. Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite fit for us. Best of luck placing this elsewhere. We hope you will continue to support our journal in the future.

Sincerely,

[redacted]

Dear Susannah Breslin

Thank you for sending Spike our way. This one didn’t quite feel like a match for us, so we’re going to pass this time, but we enjoyed the read. I do hope Tripp’s ok!

Best of luck with this

[redacted]

Dear Susannah,
Thank you for sharing "Spike" with me. I enjoyed reading your work. Unfortunately, it is not right for [redacted].

I'd be happy to read more of your writing in the future—even though "Spike" won't work for [redacted], it's still well done.

Best of luck with your writing,

[redacted]

Dear Susannah Breslin:

Thank you for submitting your text. Unfortunately we will not be able to publish your submission in the [redacted] issue of [redacted] at this time. Nevertheless we encourage you to submit texts for future issues of [redacted] and are grateful for your support.

Thank you again for your submission.

Yours,
[redacted]

Dear Susannah Breslin,

Thank you for sending us "Spike" and I apologize for the unconscionably long time spent in responding to a piece you so generously sent our way. Unfortunately it is not a fit for us at this time, but we appreciate you sending it our way.

Thanks again for sharing your work. Best of luck with this.

Sincerely,

[redacted]

Dear Susannah Breslin,

Thank you for sending us your flash fiction story, "Spike". We appreciate the chance to consider it. Unfortunately, we're overwhelmed with submissions at the moment, and we've held onto this one longer than we should have, so we're regretfully declining it to give you a chance to try it elsewhere.

Apologies for the length of time we've held onto this story — this is our loss for not getting to your story more quickly. Best of luck placing your story elsewhere.

Sincerely,
[redacted]

Dear Susannah,

Thank you for sending us "Spike." While we appreciate the chance to read your story, I'm afraid it isn't a good fit for [redacted] this time. Thanks again for trusting us with your work. As writers ourselves, we know it's no small thing.

Sincerely,

[redacted]

Dear Susannah,

Thank you so much for sending "Spike" and letting me read it. Unfortunately, it's not quite right for us, but I would be glad to see more work from you in the future. In the meantime, best of luck in placing "Spike" elsewhere.

Sincerely,
[redacted]

Dear Susannah Breslin,

Thank you for sending us "Spike" for consideration in [redacted]. While we enjoyed reading your work, I’m sorry to say it isn’t a good fit for us at this time. It is clear you are a talented writer, and your story stood out from the group. However, we receive so many submissions that, in the end, we have to reject a lot of excellent pieces.

As writers ourselves, our editors know that the process of sending out work can be a long one. We are grateful that you chose to share your writing with us; your piece was read with great admiration and care. We wish you the best of luck with it, and we hope that you will keep us in mind for future submissions. Please do consider sending us more.

Sincerely,
Editors,
[redacted]

Dear Susannah,

Thank you for your submission of "Spike" to [redacted]. We gave the story careful consideration, and though we are not accepting it for publication, we hope you find a better fit for it elsewhere.

Thanks again for trusting us with your work, and thank you for reading [redacted].

All the best,
Editors
[redacted]

Dear Susannah,

We appreciate the chance to consider "Spike" but regret we were unable to find a place for it in the magazine.

With thanks and best wishes,
[redacted]

Get a copy of my acclaimed story, “The Tumor” … “a masterpiece of short fiction.”

The Future Is Pornographic

I had such an interesting time visiting Pornhub's new art installation: Pornhub Nation. It's 2069, and a porn company rules all. The DMV is a fetish club, the president is a porn star, and a property extracted from a penis plant can make you live for hundreds of years.

"[T]he most interesting portion can be found in a small and intimate room at the top of a flight of stairs. There, a visitor can wander around and peer through the glass at a series of what look like plants from some oversexed nature of the future. From the leaves grow large adult toys in the shapes of phalluses. The effect is terrarium like, and the mood, to use West's word, is 'ethereal.' The pieces are artfully painted and luminous in the blacklight. Who knew that something so lovely could be found on a Wednesday morning in a near-empty club where the art has been funded not by the National Endowment for the Arts, but by a company devoted to profits and which delivers graphic content to the masses?"

Buy "The Tumor," a terrifying short story and "a masterpiece of short fiction."

Make Donald Trump's Penis (Great Again)

If you're into politics, arts and crafts, paper dolls, Donald Trump, or porn, WoodRocket has created a Donald Trump paper doll with different penis options.

There are six diverse styles to pick from, so you have to use your imagination on this one.

The choice is yours, America.

[WoodRocket]

What's for Lunch?

#polkadicks #mypussymychoice #rcacohort #rcafashion15

"#polkadicks #mypussymychoice #rcacohort #rcafashion15"

[via Namilia]

Rugby Player Almost Loses Penis

Apparently, a rugby player nearly lost his manhood in a tackle.

“There’s a photo of me screaming in pain, and I finished out the half. The pain was alright and then at half-time I was like, I’ve got to have a look. I checked on it and the skin is half ripped off and I was like, ‘Shit, where’s the doctor? Where’s the doctor?’

“They had to go and get the UTC doctor and he came in and checked it out and he was like, ‘Oh man, you’re going to have to go and get stitches,’ so I had to go to the clinic that night and they had to put 11 stitches around it to put the skin back together.

“I showed all the boys and they were pissing themselves laughing. In all of my career I’ve never heard of anyone having anything like that happen – 11 stitches in the dick."

[French Footy]

Also, Dicks

Weird shit people are doing online, etc.

Dear Susannah: What About the Porn Industry Interested You?

Dear Ms. Breslin,

[redacted]

I have also always wanted to ask you what about the porn industry interested you.  I would think it would be like writing about strippers or hookers. I have known my share of both and have found their stories at best tiresome and at worst downright tragic. Yet, you are a very intelligent and interesting writer and chose to write about the industry.  What am I missing? There is clearly more to it than I think or you wouldn't be writing about it. I have never quite figured out what that is. I would love to hear what about it made you want to write about the porn industry rather than something else.

Though I don't get the porn industry, porn's role and influence in society can be very interesting.  I saw your blog post on the hundreds of men who write you wanting to get into the porn industry. I find that fascinating. What are these guys thinking? Do they not read  your work and realize straight male porn actors never make any money?  I know it sounds nice to get paid to have sex but having to perform on demand and being judged by how long you last and how much volume you can ejaculate would, I think, take all of the fun out of it. What is going on that so many men think this is a good idea?

Also, I am not an expert but judging from the porn I have seen, the men get into the industry mostly because they have an 8 inch or better cock. Is that not true anymore or do these guys not know this?   If they do, are they so delusional that they think they will be the exception? According to what I have read, I am bigger than most men and they would laugh me out of a porn audition. How exactly does a guy with an average cock and presumably some kind of prospects doing something decide that they not only could he get into the porn industry but also doing so is a good idea and something worth pursuing? I am as heterosexual and libertine about sex as any other guy but I don't get younger men.  I am 44 and could not imagine even the biggest meathead man whore I ever knew wanting to get into porn. This seems to be significantly less rare in the younger generation. Judging from the hundreds of letters you have received from these guys, do you have any idea what is going on? I would very much like to hear why you think this is happening, because it utterly baffles me.

[redacted]

Regards,

[redacted]

Dear Redacted:

Why write about the porn industry? Why not? I probably write about porn industry for the same reasons people write about the movie industry. It's a world within a world. It exists behind a screen, and most people only get to view the screen. I was curious to know more about a world where, at the time, most of its inhabitants were considered pariahs (things have changed, to a degree, since). I recount my start as a journalist covering the business in "They Shoot Porn Stars, Don't They?":

"For all of porn’s ridiculous aspects, and those are legion, there was something deeply revelatory about witnessing its making. Despite the smoke and mirrors—the fake orgasms, the unreal bodies, the cockamamie premises—something else altogether lay behind the curtain. What that something was would take me several years to discover. Yet, on that day, I was sure of one thing: In Porn Valley, reality and fantasy are one and the same."

As for why so many men (in India?) want to be porn stars: I keep hoping someone who lives in India or who knows India will explain to me why I've received so many emails from men in India who want to be porn stars. (That hasn't happened yet.) I think the answer regarding their interests or aspirations or delusions eludes me because I'm not a man. And I don't live in India. And I don't want to be a porn star. Perhaps porn is newer to India (?), and they think they can live their fantasy lives in the reality of porn? Or perhaps because the role of women is changing in India (?), it's creating a kind of anxiety among men that makes them feel like they have to be hyper-masculine to be men? I'm really flummoxed on this one. The male porn stars I've met and watched work are true workhorses. Their job seems to involve making a woman happy -- and, my god, who'd want to do that for a living?

Re penis size: My guess is that's not what they're focusing on in their porn star aspirations. Likely, they think performance will trump size. That said, most male porn stars do not have giant penises (John Holmes being the most obvious exception) because women porn stars do not want to work with male porn stars who have very large appendages because uncomfortable, natch. Of course, I don't have a penis or any ability to imagine walking around comparing my penis size to other penis sizes. It sounds like a challenging existence.

Have a question for Susannah?

The Couture Dangle

In a way, it's not that surprising that Rick Owens was the designer to send men with exposed genitalia sauntering (bouncing? promenading? wagging?) down the runway in Paris this week. After all, his moody, drapey, muted-toned clothing has an almost penis-like quality to it. Leave it too long, and it drags. For some reason, I missed it -- or I didn't really get it -- when I first perused the shots on Style.com. After all, it only looked like a glimpse of low-hanging ball. Much ado about a peek of testes didn't get much of a response from me. Then Amelia pointed out "The Hottest New Trend in Menswear Is Visible Dick," and that got my attention. Gawker exposed full-on-dong, and I understood we were looking at something different here. But what, um, was it? "The penises weren't the point of the show," The Cut chided. Then what was? According to Owens, "Boys with their dicks out is such a simple, primal, childish gesture." Agreed, but what does it mean? In hopes of phallus analysis, I turned to the New York Times, where the always annoying Guy Trebay coughed up: "By deliberately exposing a few pendant bits of flesh, Mr. Owens seemed to be suggesting how tenuous and vulnerable are the basis for what we think of as masculinity." Ah-ha. So man is only as strong as the thread of skin that attaches his balls. Personally, I thought that between the overwhelmingly dull feminist sloganisms at Acne Studios and the horrendous guys-in-granny-getups at Gucci, Owens felt like someone must remind everyone: We Are Men, and These Are Our Penises. We got it, Rick. We got the dicks.

Image via Style.com

V-Day in the Club

"Valentine’s Day is one of the those special 'off' days that happen every-so-often in the strip club. Working the night of one these off days is never business-as-usual—it’s usually, business-as-oh-my-God-did-that-just-happen. The day of Cupid falls on a Friday this year, and there’s going to be a full moon."

[Tits and Sass]

Say, What?

"To do so, we're going to need to become a lot less squeamish when it comes to talking about the penis; here again, Amazons is extremely instructive. Others have described the book as 'penis-obsessed,' but to me it feels more 'penis-honest.' As a culture, we continue to possess a serious and seriously idiotic reluctance to spend much time considering male genitalia with much detail; it's always lurking but never shown. 'Full-frontal' is still fairly rare in any context outside of pornography, and it's basically non-existent when the male in question is aroused. Most books and movies seem to operate on the (very false) assumption that the penis is either soft or erect, as if it were manufactured and distributed in a one-size-fits-all commodity."

[The Awl]

Art, Nailed

"A video taken using a handheld camera and posted online moments later shows tourists gawping as he sits on the ground. A police car arrives, and an officer orders the man to get up. But the man cannot get up – because he is attached to the icy cobbles with a single, long nail that is driven through his scrotum and into the stones below."

[Guardian]

Nice Bow Tie

My Bow makes my dick hard every time I smile...is that normal? pic.twitter.com/AI6k9TOGmu

— Idris Elba (@idriselba) January 5, 2014

Got Curve?

This is not a sponsored post. This is how a company advertises when they can't show what their product does. Details reports the FDA approved XIAFLEX, an injectable drug that takes the curve out of severely torqued penises.

"XIAFLEX is a prescription medicine used to treat adult men with Peyronie's disease who have a 'plaque' that can be felt and a curve in their penis greater than 30 degrees when treatment is started."

But how, Auxilium Pharmaceuticals, which makes XIAFLEX, surely must have wondered, do you make an ad about a penis condition? After all, you can't just slap a photo of a bent penis on a piece of paper and artfully arrange copy around it.

In the above ad, a man stares into a window, only to see his secretly bent penis shame staring back at him. Good thing that inspiring, ramrod-straight topiary awaits him on the other side of XIAFLEX.

Of course, any drug has its scary potential side effects. 

"Penile fracture (corporal rupture) or other serious injury to the penis. Receiving an injection of XIAFLEX may cause damage to the tubes in your penis called the corpora. After treatment with XIAFLEX, one of these tubes may break during an erection. This is called a corporal rupture or penile fracture. This could require surgery to fix the damaged area. Damage to your penis might not get better after a corporal rupture."

[XIAFLEX]