ALL THE NEWS THAT'S UNFIT TO PRINT: 11.30.13

Maybe you did

"How did you first realize that you had a big dick?" [The Hairpin]

The mile-high club comes with a very discreet pilot. [Gizmodo]

Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer [PandoDaily]

How a woman in a Nascar pit crew works out. [NYT]

This infomercial isn't selling you a blender. [Twitter]

Tito Ortiz traded in Jenna Jameson for this babe. [Instagram]

Neanderthals were swingers. [New York Post]

Stick out your tongue. [WSJ]

Car porn. [Forbes]

But who will wear the naked Oprah dress to the Oscars? [The Cut]

What condoms and fish skin have in common. [Death and Taxes]

"This is about capitalism." [The Price of Sex]

Git 'er. [GIF]

The MPAA does not like your female sexual pleasure. [Defamer]

Fuck the earth. [Craigslist]

Bands Who Posed Topless Together for Album Covers. [Daze Reader]

This is the dope game. [Newcity]

Chuck Palahniuk is a fan of Sex Criminals. [Twitter]

Japan cannot get enough of your porn. [Mike South]

Nice Face but the Cunt? considered. [Blog]

WHAT'S NOT THERE

Earlier this week, the New York Times had a nip slip on its front page, above the fold. The photo, by Rina Castelnuovo, of a woman's breast, her areola partly exposed, offended some, likely titillated others. The image served as a companion piece to a story on Israel's high breast cancer rate and the complicated question as to what to do about it.

For me, the image may as well have been a selfie. From November 2011 to April 2013, I underwent treatment for early-stage breast cancer. Today, I'm cancer-free and not expected to recur. (Knock on wood.)

During my treatment, I took my camera with me often. Anyone undergoing protracted medical treatment knows intimately the copious amounts of time one spends in between places: waiting rooms carpeted in odd patterns, examining rooms hung with limp blood pressure cuffs, mechanical beds preparing to feed you into doughnut-shaped devices that scan you from stem to stern. 

I used my camera to preoccupy, distract, relax myself. The medical industrial complex is a system in which things are done to you. I suppose raising the camera was my way of feeling like I was in control. Which, of course, I wasn't.

There is nothing less erotic than the announcement of a personal malignancy. Suddenly, it occurs to you that the two flesh pads affixed to your front are not what you thought they were. They are trying to kill you.

Your breasts are debated by two people in white coats standing in front of you as you watch in silence. Your breasts are punctured by needles and the tissue cored like apple flesh as you lay face-down on a cold metal table. Your breasts are sliced open on an operating table so a surgeon can peer inside and extract what's gone wrong with you. Your breasts are sutured, bandaged, and sent home, where they inflame, ooze fluids, and take on shapes not found in nature. Your breasts reveal to you a great irony: what makes you female could be what exterminates you.

Today, I've formed a tentative alliance with my breasts. In bed, late at night, I wonder, Can I trust you? Mammograms provide an answer. So far, Yes.

Discussing the Times photo, I asked my husband if my breast cancer had changed his relationship to my breasts.

"It's just some cells," he said. "It's not all of you."

TEACHING SEX

Dr. Jason Winters, a professor at the University of British Columbia, teaches the very popular, sex-focused PSYCH 350: "The Psychological Aspects of Human Sexuality."

The course has a companion blog, which mentions several projects I've done, Letters from Johns and Letters from Working Girls.

His past research includes a "'boner-measuring' phase," during which "[I measured] sex response in sex offenders." 

[The Ubyssey]

FREE WHAT?

The Busy Body

When you run a strip club, signage is everything.

"A Southern Indiana strip club is getting a pretty sweet amount of publicity thanks to some creative wordplay and an angry response from locals. The Busybody Lounge in Evansville, Ind. was ordered by local police to take down a sign displaying 'free blow job with private dance.'"

[Chicagoist]

SHE'S A ROBOT

Porn stars Charlotte Stokely and Xander Corvus star in Destructo's "Technology." [YouTube]

CHINA'S LONELY MEN

The New York Times has a report on the rise and increased openness of sex culture in China. The Guangzhou National Sex Culture Festival was overrun by men in a country that makes over 3/4ths of the world's sex toys.

I went to China three times in the last year, and I wouldn't say sex is exactly high-visibility there. You do find shops selling adult toys not infrequently, but the stores are more like the sex version of a head shop: random items on shelves manned by bored salespeople.

It's a far cry from the marriage market in Shanghai's People's Park, where I wandered amidst parents camped out with folding chairs and umbrellas to find the perfect mate for their unwed offspring.

[NYT]

SHE BLUNTED

I had a lot of fun doing this piece for my Forbes blog: "For Marijuana Smokers, A Weed Manicure Is High Fashion." Kat was my gateway drug to what she's deemed a "weedicure." That's a manicure with real ganja in it.

Kat's shows off her "weedicure"

"'I told her I wanted to do that, and she told me, "Bring your own green,"' Kat explains. 'We just took a bud, and broke it up small enough that it wouldn’t be too lumpy, and then mixed it with acrylic powder and green, gold, and orange glitter. It’s the same process as getting an acrylic set with glitter tips, except with pot. I wanted to add orange and gold glitter, and I love how it looks like kief.'"

I spent quite a bit of time searching Instagram for chicks with #weednails, talked to a guy who lobbies for pot in DC, and checked out Dzine's bootleg nail salon.

Nope, I didn't get a dope set -- yet.

[Forbes]

SO MUCH FOR TELEDILDONICS

According to XBIZ, AEBN will no longer be selling its RealTouch devices.

This is your date
 

Last year, I encountered a RealTouch in the wild at a porn convention. An excerpt:

"'It feels like having sex with a robot,' I announce. I extract my finger and wipe it off with a wet wipe from the box on the table."

[XBIZ / Forbes]

AMERICAN ECSTASY

"AMERICAN ECSTASY is a memoir in pictures and words of the twelve years photographer Barbara Nitke spent shooting stills on porn movie sets in New York City. The book takes place in the 1980's at the end of the Golden Age of Porn, as the industry transitioned from high budget, scripted film productions to smaller and ever cheaper video shoots. Nitke's images reveal the contradictions inherent in the business - great beauty, tinged with sadness, punctuated by surreal silliness. As she chronicles the sights and sounds of life on the sets, her stories also reveal her own struggle to come to terms with the end of her marriage and her fascination with the sexual outlaws of the porn world."

[Amazon via Unscathed Corpse]

THE SMASHER

Entertainment Weekly

Sandra Bullock is 49 and hot as hell.

Now that she's split from ex Jesse James, who cheated on her with a stable of women, she's single; although, she reports, she's not ready to mingle.

"'If [a relationship] should come along, great,' Bullock told Entertainment Weekly, gracing the cover of its entertainers of the year issue. 'But I feel like I'm not missing anything yet. Maybe one day I will.'"

[People]

SEXUAL POLITICS

Harvard Book Store

How much does sex have to do with politics? A lot, apparently. According to a longitudinal study of men begun with a group of 268 Harvard undergrads in 1938, the aging liberal male has a great deal more sex than the aging conservative male.

"With regards to income, there was no noticeable difference in maximum income earned by men with IQs in the 110-115 range vs. men with IQs above 150.  With regards to sex lives, one of the most fascinating discoveries is that aging liberals have way more sex.  Political ideology had no bearing on overall life satisfaction, but the most conservative men on average shut down their sex lives around age 68, while the most liberal men had healthy sex lives well into their 80s.  Vaillant writes, 'I have consulted urologists about this, they have no idea why it might be so.'"

[FEELguide]

NICE FACE

The internet has reached its culmination with a site posing a simple question: "Nice Face but the Cunt?" Upon clicking, you are confronted with a mugshot-like lineup of beautiful, decapitated heads. They are: women, young, suggestive. You scroll down the page; more faces appear. It seems as if their number is never-ending, a kind of battalion of girls demanding you answer the aforementioned question.

So, because this is the internet, you hover over an image. Say, the blonde, the brunette, the smiler in glasses. What is revealed: the date it was posted, the number of notes associated. The higher the number, you imagine, the higher the rating. Or is it? Maybe there is something else.

You click. At this point, you transfer your attention from the face -- which is, really, something of a hint as to what's coming, seeing as the mouth is, for all intents and purposes, the cunt of the visage -- to a new page opening in a new tab. Now, her face looms large. Below her, a series of over-sized, closeup shots of her vagina. You wonder regarding the origins of this picture of her crotch in heretofore unknown intimacy (by you, at least). It seems as if she has done this before; in a porn movie, perhaps, or modeling nude, having spread her legs in some room where you were not present at some other time.

You are unsure whether to be transfixed or terrified. You recall Sarah Silverman saying, "vaginas really, really scare people." You remember that Mother Jones piece that quoted that woman saying a vagina is like a "little Hoover vacuum." You think about Celebrity Close-Up, and how the celebrity gods of our time look when you blow their pixels up to Godzilla-size, and how you have never been able to look at Kristen Bell the same way since. Maybe this is too much information: these photos that show in supersized detail this particular woman's vagina. You feel as if you are balancing on the lip of a Black Hole made of flesh. Will you ever return?

A kind of meditative calm shrouds you as you continue on your vagina-hunting quest/expedition/consideration. This is scientific. This is not to be taken lightly. This is a serious study of what remains unseen, and you are the Ernest Shackleton of digital smut. They're right, you marvel. Vaginas really are like snowflakes. No two are twins. There are ins and outs, lights and darks, stubbled and Sphynx-like. You behold their variety with wonder, in awe at their unknowability. If there is a correlation between her face and her cunt, you can't find it. Or she is hiding it. Her face is for the world; her vagina is her secret. Some are architecturally complex, unexpectedly so; others resemble artfully-arranged filets of smoked salmon. Women, as ever, flummox you, tie you up in a Gordian knot of what they don't show as they expose themselves to you.

You agree: nice face. The question: but the cunt? The answer (you decide): is fucking beside the point. There is no answer. This is a Möbius strip of a riddle. In this virtual space of simulated sexual connectivity, there are only more girls, more clicks, more of this you trying to find that thing for which you are looking and wondering what the hell that was again. You're lost. She's found you. Click.

[Nice Face but the Cunt? via Indie Nudes]

PORN GOES 4K

"The latest tech innovation facing both pornmongers and eager early adopters is 4K. As the name implies, 4K is video with a resolution far, far beyond the standard of HD video — a 4K video has about four times as many pixels as a 1080p HD video. Generally speaking, this means vastly crisper, clearer, and more lifelike visuals. In porn, this means movies that highlight every single detail of performers’ bodies, allowing viewers to get extremely up close and personal with the naughty bits featured in their favorite XXX films."

[The Verge]

THE WORLD FAMOUS *BOB*

I met the World Famous *BOB* years ago, when we were doing a shoot for Playboy TV in New York City. We saw her dance in a subterranean burlesque club. She was all shimmer-and-shake and was as large-as-life in person as she was on the screen.

Amy Touchette

Photographer Amy Touchette spent four years following *BOB* on stage and behind the scenes. The result: a book-length portrait of the complicated life of a 21st century Marilyn Monroe.

"Eventually the self-described 'female-female impersonator' found her home in the 'neo-burlesque' movement that began in New York City in the 1990s - a place which allowed her to embrace her femininity in a way that finally made her comfortable."

[Daily Mail]

DUCATI HOTTIE

A Ducati dealership in Portland, Oregon, got some complaints from women after they posted photos of a hot chick posing with an 1199 Panigale, so they recruited their male crew members to do a similar shoot with not-so-sexy results.

[Jalopnik]

FROM SEXPLOITATION STAR TO PORN STAR: AN INTERVIEW WITH COLLEEN BRENNAN

Busty. Redheaded. Alabaster-skinned. She started her Hollywood career as sexploitation star Sharon Kelly in the seventies ("Supervixens," "Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS") and became Hall of Fame porn star Colleen Brennan ("Getting Personal," "Taboo V") in the eighties. Along the way, she made brief appearances in mainstream movies like "Shampoo," "Foxy Brown," and "Hustle," but she is best remembered for shedding her clothes before the cameras. I talked to Brennan about what it was like to work with sexploitation director Russ Meyer, whether or not the Golden Age of Porn was really golden, and what she thinks of today's decidedly more hardcore porn industry.

How old are you?

I've been waiting thirty years to say what my chain-smoking, gravel-voiced neighbor Hester would tell anybody who would listen during the last year of her life: “I'm sixty-three years old, and I feel every goddamned minute of it!”

Where do you live?

In a good-sized city in the southeast.

How did you become an actress?

By relentlessly honing my craft? No, no, no. My titties got hired first. In 1972, boob jobs were still rare, even in Los Angeles. I was showing off a pair of remarkable naturals as a nude dancer on the Sunset Strip. The owner of the club introduced me to his friend who made soft-core sexploitation movies. We found that, in addition to my major assets, I could repeat several consecutive sentences on demand. I was also an exhibitionist already comfortable being the naked center of attention.

Colleen Brennan in her Sharon Kelly days as SuperCherry in Russ Meyer's 1975 sexploitation film, "Supervixens."

What was it like to work with Russ Meyer?

I guess a lot like working for any rude, grumpy misogynist; it kind of sucked.

You were topless in "Shampoo"?

And bottomless, if I remember correctly. Just a lot of body paint.

I read that you dated ["The Wizard of Oz" munchkin] Jerry Maren. Did you date any other celebrities?

You could say “dated” some celebrities. Sounds better than "star-fucked," yes? I've never named them publicly before, but the most fun ones were [Hollywood icon #1] and [Hollywood icon #2].

Why did you decide to start performing in porn movies?

"[O]ne of my first modeling gigs," 1973. Before she was Colleen Brennan the porn star, she was Sharon Kelly the sexploitation star.

I figured it would be easy money. I was right. I was getting restless managing a phone sex company in Marina Del Rey. A couple of smart women I worked with had been in hardcore, and their experiences didn't seem particularly sleazy or unpleasant. Plus, I was thirty-two, nobody was going to spend a lot of energy trying to misuse me, and I stayed pretty clear on what I did and didn't want to do for money.    

Speaking of money, doesn't everybody want to hear the numbers? I always do about everybody else! When I quit in 1985, there were between five and ten women in the business making more than me. Some maybe a lot more; I really don't know. My day rate was $800. Very few of us always got our rate. I was probably averaging more like  $650 a day for the last two years, but I was paid the same for days I had sex and days I did not. I was in about 110, 120 projects total and brought home about $160,000 (net after taxes) in just over three years. The Consumer Price Index gives this the same buying power as $350,000 today. Did I spend it all long ago? You bet.

Was the Golden Age of Porn really a golden age?

I have no idea if it was a special time for viewers, but it might have been the best of days for performers. You were asked what you wanted to do, not pressured to do painful or unhealthy scenes, or even stuff a performer simply found repulsive or degrading. And it was just naturally more fun to make movies with scripts and wardrobe and sound stages and sets. Plus, everybody looks better on film than video.

Brennan stars opposite Ron Jeremy in "Candy Stripers 2," 1985.

What legends of the era did you work with? John Holmes? Ron Jeremy?

I never met John Holmes. I got along fine with Ron. Basically, if you were a guy doing a decent amount of hardcore in the early eighties, I probably knew you in the biblical sense.

Why did you quit porn?

People, mostly gay men, were dying from AIDS really fast in 1985. Being HIV positive was an inescapable death sentence -- few lasted a year and a half. We all knew somebody dead or dying; it was enormously sad. We didn't know much, but it seemed prudent to me to stop having sex with a lot of people who were having sex with a lot of people. Plus, you know, I'd done it by then. If I'd stayed another year, two at most, I would have been getting less work for less money. Nina Hartley and her young peers  were quickly closing in behind me.

Do people still recognize you?

People seldom recognized me on the street even when I was working! I am a very fair-skinned redhead. My face was practically a blank canvas. I wore much less makeup in real life, and I was usually dressed somewhere between modestly casual and downright schlubby -- nothing particularly tight or low-cut. I was an exhibitionist, but it was only a kick when I was being paid. Maybe that's my kink. One of them, anyway.

I never really suffered repercussions from my wayward past; that I knew about, anyway. There will always be people who don't like you for one reason or another. I never really speculate a great deal on why some never warm to me. There are just too many possibilities!

My life today is fairly ordinary, reasonably peaceful, financially stable, not rich, not poor.  I retired after about fifteen years [from] working for people with intellectual disabilities; I was good at my job and liked it a lot. I have an old dog and a young grandkid, with another one on the way. And a very patient man who is significantly younger and smarter than I am has been putting up with me for going on fourteen years.

View fullsize

"I remember when the AVN hit the stands. I had no idea I was going on the cover. Everybody else's AVN cover was always a nice hot glamor shot. Mine was from 'Squalor Motel,' a freaky  little film in which everybody looked  bizarre. It still makes me giggle," 1985.

Are you proud of your career?

I don't think I've ever used the word “proud”, but I'm certainly not ashamed. It was what it was. Sex, sexuality is neutral. It's how you feel about what you're doing that makes it positive or negative. So don't do anything that feels negative, right? Not for money, not for love. But there's nothing inherently immoral between consenting adults. If you must have a god in your life, find one who wants you to enjoy all the parts of yourself you were born with.

What do you think of today's porn industry?  

Call me a fuddy-duddy, but I still think a little pubic hair adds a dash of personality to most genitals.

The awards shows don't sound as fun as the old days. Seriously, does any woman really want a trophy for “Best Anal Gangbang”?

I see the growing popularity of live web cams as a positive development. It's sexy, it's safe for everybody involved, and it empowers women to choose their own path and set their own limits.

At the other end of the spectrum, I am saddened by young women who submit to psychological and physical abuse we find in extreme porn that is sometimes severe enough to inflict long-term damage for money that will be spent before their rectums heal. I feel for the unlucky losers of porn's HIV lottery. But I don't worry much about the adults who watch them because I doubt that any pornography has much power to influence our core sexuality.  

I'm starting to understand that the surge in cruel, dehumanizing porn was not so much a result of increased demand as it was a response to the marginalization of the industry. When the product you've been manufacturing and selling for quite the nifty profit for years and years becomes widely available for free, it's reasonable to try to stay in business by retooling the factory. The problem for the San Fernando Valley is that it can't thrive on a niche market, and no amount of exposure will, in the long run, make the extreme stuff become the go-to jack-off material of the masses. The industry needs some young creative minds with an interest in new technologies to take it in a fresh direction.

"This softcore porn sex comedy follows the exploits of greasy spoon waitress Alice Goodbody (Sharon Kelly) as she attempts to sleep her way to stardom," 1974. -- Rotten Tomatoes

Today, anybody can click across the internet and see you having sex in porn movies made decades ago. In a way, that makes you immortal. What's that like?

Google "terrible tuba players" or "men with mustaches who shave their heads." Or "women in swimming pools playing pool." Being immortal ain't what it used to be. But, yeah, there will be Colleen Brennan, 20th century American porn performer, taking money shots to the lips long after Sharon Kelly has turned to dust. I guess I've left a teensy little mark. It's all good.

OTTO

Otto Splotch

Well, this is just weird. Behold the work of Otto Splotch.

His comics include Beach Butt Bladder, which features the ominous segue, "Let's go take a group shower," Rotten Path, a surreal romp through a digestive tract, and Quarter Vomit, with a guest appearance by sweatpants boner man.

[Otto Splotch via Indie Nudes]