THE HAPPY HOOKER

"Icon Models had interests like classical music and equestrian sports. They hunted pheasant, studied at Oxford, knew the difference between a watch and a timepiece and could participate in a debate over the superiority of Walker Black vs. Laphroaig. They had pedigree, or at least the ability to appear like they did. They also had an expensive wardrobe, the ability to sit up straight, speak proper English and pretend for a couple of hours that they were genuinely interested in the hobbies and fineries of the ruling class."

[Vocativ]

LYRICS OF THE DAY

"Clappers," Wale featuring Nicki Minaj & Juicy J.

"Shout out to that cellulite
Got a real bad bitch that will sell you white"

[Rap Genius]

SATAN IS OFFENDED

Texas Monthly editor Jason Cohen notes the phrase "face-fucked by Satan" appears in a recent issue of the New Yorker.

PuckerButt Pepper Company

From "Fire-Eaters: The Search for the Hottest Chili" by Lauren Collins:

"Then, in August of last year, Ed Currie, of the PuckerButt Pepper Company, of Fort Mill, South Carolina, unveiled a new contender. Currie announced, 'The PuckerButt Pepper Company has raised the bar for hot pepper heat intensity by producing an amazing hot pepper, the Smokin’ Ed’s Carolina Reaper, which surpasses the current world record holder, the Butch T Trinidad Scorpion.' The Carolina Reaper’s recommended uses, according to PuckerButt’s Web site, included hot sauces, salsa, and 'settling old scores.' Steven Leckart wrote in Maxim that eating one was 'like being face-fucked by Satan.'"

When I was an undergrad at UC Berkeley, one of my writing professors was author Maxine Hong Kingston. She told a story in which she claimed to have been responsible for the first "fuck" in the New Yorker. She stated she advocated for its inclusion by arguing its one-syllable-ness made it more Chinese-like, and therefore the ideal word choice.

SEX CRIMINALS

Have you read Sex Criminals? It's a new series by Matt Fraction and Chip Zdarsky. It was banned by Apple.

Sex Criminals #1

A SEX COMEDY FOR COMICS: Suzie's a normal girl with an extraordinary ability: when she has sex, she stops time. One night she meets John... who has the same gift. And so they do what any other sex-having, time-stopping, couple would do: they rob banks. In the vein of THE 40-YEAR OLD VIRGIN and BRIDESMAIDS, Image Comics invites you to come along with MATT FRACTION (Hawkeye, SATELLITE SAM) and CHIP ZDARSKY (Prison Funnies, Monster Cops) for the series that puts the "comic" back in "comics" and the "sexy" back in "sex crimes."

You can download #1 for free on comiXology, and you can buy #2, #3, and soon #4 on Image Comics.

I GET EMAIL

"Ok I'm [redacted] i want to do porn so can you help me"

$30,000 LOUBOUTINS

Sotheby's

Just in time for the holidays, Sotheby's is auctioning off a pair of bespoke red spiked Christian Louboutin patent leather boots for a mere $20,000 to $30,000. They are literally one of a kind: "The pair of boots will be made to size for the buyer." The Global Fund to Fight AIDS, Tuberculosis, and Malaria benefit auction items were picked by Steve Jobs "spiritual partner at Apple" Jony Ive and $968,000 Lockheed Lounge chair designer Marc Newson. Other goods include a $10,000 to $15,000 George Lucas-autographed Stormtrooper helmet in its "original cardboard 'Star Wars' Stormtrooper box."

[The Cut]

PRODUCTIVITY IS OVERRATED

"Put your lack of productivity into perspective. Nobody else is getting anything done either, which explains the thriving market in time-management apps; it's like when you go into a club with a bit of paper stuck in the loos saying 'ANYONE CAUGHT DOING/ DEALING DRUGS WILL ASKED TO LEAVE', you know for a fact the place is crawling with dealers/ wasted punters and you're going to have a great night."

[wikiHow / Copyranter]

NICE REAR END

"Which ass?" [1013MM]

STOYA & JAMES DEEN

Stoya / Photo credit: Steven Klein

Photographer Steven Klein shot adult film star Stoya and boyfriend/adult film star James Deen for Arena Homme +. Previously, Klein shot Stoya for Richardson's A5 issue.

The text accompanying the Arena editorial begins:

"This is a story about a new kind of romance. It is a story about a pair who has fucked this way and that way with much of America watching. It is a story nonetheless of intimacy, of love declarations, of a true-life couple whose relationship has been founded in explicit overexposure."

[Fashion Copious]

THE TROUBLE WITH SEXTING

"My ex-fiancé, who left me at the altar and broke my heart, sends me the filthiest sexts when he’s drunk, but they are interlaced with all this emotional, super-heavy shit, too. Like, 'I remember how it felt to be deep in your mouth.' Then a second later, 'I made so many mistakes ... can we start over?' One said, 'I’ll never love anyone the way I loved you.' Five minutes later, 'Must cum in your ass tonight or will die.' I e-mailed him recently and said, 'It sounds like you have some stuff to say to me? Do you want to talk?' and he responded with something totally detached like, 'Hmm … traveling all summer but maybe in the Fall?' It’s so confusing."

[The Cut]

MISS BUTTERFLY

Jenyne Butterfly is quite possible the world's greatest pole dancer. [Nerve]

EAT ME

Behold, the Burt Reynolds eclair.

"It might be hard to believe if you weren’t a lonely housewife in the early-70s… But Burt Reynolds was once considered a sex symbol. So much so, that he once posed butt-nekkid on a bear skin rug, and the aforementioned women swooned. Now, the bear skin has been replaced with chocolate and cream, and the iconic image is now an eclair."

[Foodiggity]

SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY

Who needs Cartier when you can be Cuntier?

According to the Daily Beast:

"It all started one day in July, he said, when he was talking to a friend about a recent visit to a Cartier store. 'She was having a watch fixed and they were giving her trouble, and she was like, "Ugh, they are being cunts," and I was like, "Oooh, they are Cuntier!"'" he told The Daily Beast.

[This Isn't Happiness]

PLAYBOY OR HUSTLER?

Somebody thinks Playboy's December 2013 cover with a Playmate stuck in a chimney resembles Hustler's June 1978 cover with a girl stuck in a meat grinder.

"The 1978 cover of Hustler gained notoriety for depicting a woman like a piece of meat. The cover reads 'We will no longer hang women up like pieces of meat,' and the quote along with the depiction of a woman being made into meat was a direct response to criticism of pornography."

[BuzzFeed]

THE SERBIAN KING OF MOTORCYCLE BOOTY

Since he strapped a GoPro camera to the back of his motorcycle and started posting YouTube videos of his girlfriends' jiggling butts along for the ride, RR Marquez has acquired over 2 million views and a devoted following.

As one YouTube commenter wrote: "Serbia gave Nikola Tesla, than this channel!"

I interviewed Marquez via email about how he came up with the idea, why he think his videos are so popular, and what he's planning to add to his booty-shaking bike videos next.

What's your name?

RRale Marquez is the name.

Where do you live?

I'm from Belgrade, Serbia.

What's your job?

Working in casino as croupier.

What kind of bike do you ride?

I ride '06 HONDA FIREBLADE aka silver arrow :)

How did you come up with the idea of attaching the GoPro to your bike to shoot their butts?

My friend had GoPro on his helmet and I was in front of him riding with my gf. It was one min video but when I saw that ass bouncing on that bumpy road, I said to myself, 'this camera is going on back of my bike, no question about it'!

Were you surprised when your first video got over 500,000 views?

The first video I ever made is the most popular one, it's 'Tammy riding on motorcycle'! It was the most popular one until recently, when 'First ride with Tabitha' video gain 300k views in 2-3 days!

Why do you think the videos are popular?

It's funny thing, I was looking Tabitha video day before it went viral and it had about 1.6k views! morning after that I was looking at the number again and it was 150k or so. And I'm like 'what the hell happened to this video over night?'

I was pretty surprised when I find out that so many people like my video, didn't expected that honestly!

I think it's because girls booty is never filmed like that before. I mean it's just booty close up, and it's bouncing and it's in public! what's not to like :)

How many girlfriends do you have?

I can't talk numbers, lets just say I have a few :D

Why do you like booties so much?

Don't know, some guys like girls lips, others like girls boobs.. but I always had a special feelings for a female booty! I can just stare at it for hours and I'll still have smile on my face! :D

Are you going to do a nude ride at some point?

We did actually, I mean she wasn't entirely naked! She was wearing micro skirt, w/o panties! LOL. I was guy to tailgate that night! Some guy actually crash his car trying to catch up on us! At that point we decided to change her clothes or to get some at least :D

SHE WAS THE ONE

[Graham Roumieu]

THE VIBRATING BANANA

I visited the Pleasure Chest the other day. It hadn't changed much since the last time I was in one. I asked the woman behind the counter if I could take photos. She wanted to know why. She explained that if I was going to, say, take a photo of something on my iPhone and send it to someone to see if I should buy it, that was fine. But if I wanted to take photos of -- and, here, she kind of waved her arm at the rows of porn videos, and the shelves of dildos, and the displays of lube -- then the answer was no.

CONSIDER THE PORN STAR

"It turned out that naked porn stars are also seen as having less competence but more sensitivity than their clothed selves. And when one actress was shown in an especially sexual pose, the trend only increased, presumably due to greater focus on her body and its pleasures. True objectification, as traditionally conceived of, just did not happen."

[Aeon via Clayton Cubitt]