I Went to Yale -- Sort Of

A couple months ago, I saw an ad for Thread at Yale on Romenesko. It's basically a new three-day writing conference at Yale, although it describes itself as "a gathering of professional journalists and storytellers that does not care whether you work in print, radio, podcasting, or some form we haven’t even thought of yet." It's a hybrid event: there are lectures, Q&A's at bars, and workshops. The cost: around $2K if you choose to stay at the Yale dorms. So, I applied and was accepted. This was the inaugural Thread at Yale, and here's how, for me, it went, the pros and the cons.

"Yaleish."

OMG Yale

The main reason I went is because Yale. I mean, you know, it sounds fancy. I went to the University of California at Berkeley, which is not the Yale of anything. True to form, Yale didn't disappoint. I had imagined it as "where the one-percent go to school," and a lot of it looked like a church dedicated to elitism. And I mean that as a compliment. Yale is like Berkeley, but with way less communists and, as far as I know, no one going to class naked.

The speakers were super cool

The second reason I went: the impressive mentors lineup. The most famous mentor there would be Steven Brill, founder of CourtTV and Important Person in Media. He's also behind the Yale Journalism Initiative, and Thread is an "offshoot" of that. He was the second speaker on the first day. I wanted to like him, and I even hit him up about his mysterious media project with Jill Abramson, but for some reason he reminded me of Roy Cohn. He spent a lot of time sneering at most topics that were raised, which was sort of unfun. Suffice to say, Steven Brill is not my spirit animal. By contrast, Glynn Washington was the first person who spoke on the first morning, and he was endearing -- example: "Stories are magic." There were two evening events at bars, one featuring Emily Bazelon and the other featuring Gillian Laub. They were OK, but there was a bucket of beer being handed around, and Laub said "I" so many times it made me want to stick my head in the bucket. The second morning, we heard Steve Brodner speak, and he was hilarious and smart and irreverent, although I had to go take a call (journalism related!) in the middle of it, so I missed part of it. After Brodner, Catherine Burns, who's the artistic director of The Moth spoke, and she got way upstaged by the guy she brought with her, Matthew Dicks, who did a Moth story live about the day he died (and came back to life, obviously) that made me have feels, which was good if you want to have feels. (Seriously, it was great. It made me want to cry.) The last morning, we heard from John Branch, who was the most amazing of all the speakers, and who talked a lot about "Snow Fall," which was intoxicating and made you want to work for the NYT. That shit was inspiring. The last speaker on the last day was Ann Fadiman, who I thought was a bit meh, but she told a highly hilarious story about Tina Brown, and who doesn't like a good Tina Brown story?

I loved my mentor

Other mentors weren't there to lecture; they were there to lead the workshops we did in the afternoons. Reportedly, there were 72 attendees, and we were put in six groups of twelve, and we spent three hours every afternoon for three days with the same group workshopping whatever individual project we were working on in our real lives. The workshop mentors were: Mark Oppenheimer, Sarah Stillman, Jake Halpern, Graeme Wood, Roya Hakakian, and Linda Gradstein. My mentor was Sarah Stillman, who writes for The New Yorker, and is a deeply awesome person. She ended up being my I'm So Glad I Went. (Read her "The Invisible Army" if you haven't.) I heard one of the mentors (not mine) was not good at time management, and some of that group's participants were disappointed by the consequences of that.

The biggest issue was ...

I felt like a good-sized chunk of the attendees were a disappointing lot. Some attendees were great. I met some really awesome people, and I hope I made some friends, and there were some young people there that I learned from and who were awesome. But the group of attendees was about -- I don't know, like, 80% women? And that's just never a good thing. I wondered why this was the case with several people. Why so man ladies? Somebody thought it's because Thread used the word "storytelling" a lot in describing itself, and that sounded like some lady shit. Another person thought that it's because men don't think they need mentors, and women don't mind asking for help. At one point, some chick was knitting in the back of the room during a lecture, and it made me want to grab the needles and stab out my eyes. I guess because Yale and because High Caliber Mentors, I thought this would be a group of brilliant, hostile, drunken, ambitious male and female journalists who would be violently dissecting each other's work, drinking too much, and engaging in non-stop witty repartee. Instead, it felt more like a support group for women who wanted to tell their stories, but were like, oh, gee, I don't know, I need validation and permission, and there was way too much hand-holding, and getting along, and nurturing. Nurturing is to vom. I would not go back for this reason. I don't need a support group. I need a friendly flogging. But, hey, that's me. Knit on, sister, or whatever. (There were a lot of inexperienced people among the attendees. Or at least it seemed like it. I would have liked more experienced people. More rigor. More cranky veterans from the field. At one point, I looked around and wondered where they were, these working journalists who are fearless and don't need permission for anything, and then I realized they were out there doing stories and being cranky in the field. They were not at this event. I suppose this is what happens when the barrier to entry is money, not talent. C'est la thread.)

A bit of the bait and switch

I felt like because there was so much stressing of multimedia in Thread's description of itself on its website, that I would really learn a lot about multimedia. I did not. Sure, there were people from NPR and people from The Moth and photographers and a political cartoonist as speakers, but I wanted to learn more about how "Snow Fall" gets made, and how I can make a "Snow Fall," and what are the tools available to me, and how do I integrate words and these tech tricks, and there was none of that other than Branch. That made me feel baited and switched. So that was disappointing. Fix that for next time, Thread at Yale.

But what about those dorms

I stayed in the Yale dorms. Maybe the architecture was Brutalist, and the room looked like a Chinese prison. But, whatever. The twin bed did the job. I had a roommate. We each had our own bedroom. I mean, it was a dorm room, for fuck's sake. (If I had to go again and wanted to be fancy, I would stay at The Study.)

For fuck's sake, what did you eat and drink already

Ordinary is a super cool bar in New Haven. Recommend. Mory's is fucking bizarre. Probably the most WASPy place I've ever been in, and I don't get why you keep doing your Yale chants. For sure the only time George H. W. Bush and I have been in the same club. We ate breakfast (included!) in some Yale cafeteria with a giant moose head on the wall.

Um, no

Someone at the start of the conference, a leader, indicated we were not to quote with attribution what was said at the conference. At least, that's what I and others understood him to say. (Here's me not doing that: It was Mark Oppenheimer who said it.) Are you fucking kidding me? Tell writers what they can't write. That's how you start off your writing gathering. Sign me out. Thank you for not successfully censoring me.

Here's the thing

Am I glad I went? Yes. I learned a lot in the margins. In the spaces between events, and in the random connections with cool people, and in the time I spent walking around and feeling like, you know, I'm a writer, and I'm good at this, and this is great. I happened to embark on another journalism project with a great publication at the same time, so I'm really excited about that. I took one road there, and being there kind of led me down another, and while I believe in Janet Malcolm wholeheartedly ("Every journalist who is not too stupid or full of himself to notice what is going on knows that what he does is morally indefensible"), and I wish people who choose to tell stories would spend less time pretending their committing some valiant act and more time admitting they're parasites upon the human race, I felt invigorated by the fact that I was, at least, you know, thinking about these things, and grappling with these things, and not sitting at a fucking computer staring at some screen waiting for me to put something on it. At one point during the event, as part of The Moth presentation, we watched an excerpt from this story, the late Mike DeStefano talking about his wife, who was dying of AIDS. At one point, he says, "You know, and we're junkies. You know, we were junkies. We were different. We were fucking freaks. People crossed the street when they saw me, you know?  And her. She was a prostitute. She was a fucking drug addict." Great stories are not about $2K conferences at Yale, offering each other nurturing support, and vague stories about some love affair you have had with a narrative that goes nowhere. It's about peeling back your skin and exposing yourself, going deep and revealing the unseen, being out in the field and forgetting about what everyone else's doing as the story unspools before you. Don't be safe. Be brave. Stop asking for permission. Do the stories. The hard ones. Easy is bullshit.

Buy THE TUMOR! "This is one of the weirdest, smartest, most disturbing things you will read this year."

No Big Eyes

I watched "Big Eyes." I didn't care much for it. I like some of Tim Burton -- the scissors kid is my favorite -- but this one just bit. First of all, I don't care much for the real paintings: these wide-eyed waif things. And while Christoph Waltz is a pleasure to enjoy as a monster in "Inglourious Basterds," in this role he just grates. Amy Adams is the put upon artist/wife, but here again I prefer her better as a tough-talking bartender in "The Fighter." What's glorious and great and fantastic in the movie is everything behind these two quarrelers: the mid-century modern houses, and the alarming Burton color choices, and the surrealist eyeballs of ladies at the supermarket. The rest is a mess. If you want to watch a couple fight for two hours, this is your movie. I guess I would've had more sympathy had I liked the artworks, but, you know, I don't.

Buy THE TUMOR! "This is one of the weirdest, smartest, most disturbing things you will read this year."

The Confederate of Florida

"Does this ass make my truck look big? #florida #obama #confederate"

There's a lot of this in the south end of Florida: Confederate flags and anti-Obama bumper stickers, red trucks and patriotism, hunting and swamp life living. After a while, it becomes part of the scene. The Confederate soldier descendent hawking redneckabilia at the flea market. The house painter who bleeds red, politically-speaking, that is. The stories about the time a wild hog killed a dog. Maybe they're clinging to the past, or maybe they're hoping for some kind of other future. They're wary-eyed and weary of the current United States. If you could let them secede, they probably would. Meanwhile, technology is racing past them, transforming everyone else into someone else. I'm not sure if they're close-minded or just afraid.  

Check out THE TUMOR! "This is one of the weirdest, smartest, most disturbing things you will read this year."

Press Rewind If $1 Doesn't Blow Your Mind

When I self-published THE TUMOR -- my awesome, terrifying, twisted, weird, cool new short story about a man who wants to kill his wife and the tumor that stands between them -- my goal was to sell 100 copies.

Thanks to your fantastic taste, I'm almost there! To date, I've sold 98 copies.

If I sell two more copies today, I'll have reached my goal and will feel better about myself, and you will feel better about yourself, and the world will keep spinning, and the universe will be pleased, and we all want that, don't we?

Buy it here!

(It's been called a "masterpiece of short fiction.")

The Improv Update

Image via MasterPlanner

Image via MasterPlanner

Improv is getting better because: I speed read Amy Poehler's book, I want to get back into TV, showing up is enough, standing in the corner staring at your phone doesn't help, singing bad with a good attitude is better than singing well with a shit attitude, if you believe you are happy, other people will find you entertaining, fake it 'til you make it is sometimes the best course of action, impromptu digging graves for Mickey Mouse is never a bad idea, yoga helps, Pilates helps, physical therapy exercises help, walking helps, being outside yourself to put on a performance isn't really that hard unless you make a big deal about it, which no one wants to hear about, so just do your job and figure this is taking you somewhere else in the future.

Support my work! Buy THE TUMOR: "one of the weirdest, smartest, most disturbing things you will read this year."

Why You Should Ask for Stuff

Recently, I read Amanda Palmer's The Art of Asking: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help. I found it's an interesting book -- in part, because I relate to it. For much of her life, Palmer is relentlessly autonomous. A solo hustler, she works as a living statue to pay the bills, and it's this job that teaches her what people really want, which is, in her mind, to be seen. (I concur.) The trouble starts when she: gets famous, marries a rich and famous guy, and gets pregnant. In theory, the latter two fail to fit with her gypsy lifestyle. So, the narrative follows her as she attempts to have it all: her own life and a connected life. I hear you, sister. The best thing about the book is Palmer's seeming fearlessness (of course, reality is more complicated than that), whether it's stage diving, leaving her recording label behind, or asking her fans to fund her album (they coughed up $1M). There's also an unexpectedly moving anecdote in which on a particularly shitty day she inadvertently ends up getting a massage from one of her online haters. In a way, there's something repellant about Palmer's hustle. You cringe when she asks for things, makes a spectacle of herself, writes a poem that gets blasted as an homage to a domestic terrorist. Then you realize that what you're creeped out by is your own inability to ask for what you want. It's amazing how much our culture pathologies asking for things. One gathers there's nothing Palmer won't ask for -- that said, it turns out accepting that for which you have asked is another challenge altogether. Inspiring.

Support my work! Buy THE TUMOR: "one of the weirdest, smartest, most disturbing things you will read this year."

Showtime

Tonight was the first night of doing the improv show in front of a group of living, breathing, drinking people. It went well. I think. I am an introvert, so performing is a challenge for me, and it's different to do stage work versus the TV work that I've done in the past. It's a bit of another situation altogether when the audience member is sitting five feet from you. Of course, anxiety is the enemy of comedy, so there were times when I was stilted or awkward, but I really didn't want to choke, and I don't think I did. So far, improv has taught me how to fail better, that you must do anything rather than do nothing, and how to sing a made up song about people who are bipolar. Thanks, improv.

Buy my new short story, THE TUMOR: "One of the weirdest, smartest, most disturbing things you will read this year."

How to Get More People to Read Your Blog

The last couple months that I blogged at Forbes, I averaged around 500K uniques a month. At the time, that equaled about $5K a month in pay from Forbes to me. So, how did I achieve that?

Keep it simple

Image credit: Chanel Preston

Image credit: Chanel Preston

The reason my traffic was that high was due in large part to one post: "What Porn Stars Do When the Porn Industry Shuts Down." (To date, the post has over 1M views, and it's the second most popular post I ever wrote in the three years that I wrote that blog. This is the most popular one.) Recently, the porn industry had shut down due to a male performer testing positive for HIV. The post started with a question: When adult performers can't work, what do they do with their time? The answer was more interesting than I expected.

Do the work

Too many shithead millennials today are too big of giant pussies to get on the phone or leave the house to do a fucking interview, much less work a real world beat. God, could you be anymore cowardly? Instead, the females and males of the species develop their mental dadbods by recycling original reporting that somebody else has done and everyone else has "aggregated" already. (If this is your job, you are a loser and a parasite.) For this piece, I got on the phone and interviewed people. It. Really. Wasn't. That. Hard.

Go for the obvious

The reason that damn nail salon piece was so popular was that the story was right in everyone's faces. Or at least the face of every journalist in New York City. With the porn story, every time the porn industry shuts down because a performer tests HIV+, the same dipshit outlets post the same stories about it. In this case, I thought the story behind the story was more interesting. These actors and actresses, crew members and directors, performers and editors weren't sitting around beating their meat or painting their nails during their industry's moratorium. They were out there hustling, supporting themselves and their families, worrying and praying. That's what made them human. And that's what made people who fuck for a living relatable to everybody.

Hey! Support your favorite writer, me, and buy my new short story, THE TUMOR. It's been described as "one of the weirdest, smartest, most disturbing things you will read this year."

What Doesn't Kill You

"Depressed. #selfies #depression #tired #purple #pillows #bed #glasses"

I've had some problems with depression lately, so I thought I would write a post reminding myself of the positive things that have happened thus far this year.

I guestblogged for Kottke.org. Like I said before, this was an awesome time. Why doesn't the New York Times ask me to guest blog for them? This is one of life's many mysteries. It would be great if a high profile blog picked me up. I'm a great blogger. My friend says when you want something, the universe's answer is either: Yes, Yes But Not Right Now, Or No I Have Something Better In Mind. Or whatever. You get the idea. Universe, I await your call.

I published THE TUMOR. Fuck, this guy is like my baby! I love him so much: his cover, his pages, his content. His tone is so marvelously morally bankrupt. I read something earlier today about someone who kept being a nasty resistant asshole until the end of his days, but I can't remember who it is anymore. Excitingly, my next to be self-published short story is underway. It involves a robot. It is already a masterpiece of the genre. Trust me on this.

I auditioned for and got in an improv group that actually performs in a real theater and everything. I heard there were going to be auditions for this improv group downtown, and I went just to challenge myself. I'd only done one three-day intensive improv class at The Second City in Chicago. Experienced, I am not. A few days later I got a call from one of the people who runs it. She left a message, asking me to call her back. I was like, damn, can't she just leave a message telling me they don't want me? Now I have to call her back and get rejected live? Instead, she said I was in. What the hell! There have been a lot of rehearsals, and god knows I need them. Sometimes, I get confused by all the rules, and I spend way too much time thinking how I have to do everything right or I'm a failure, and I forget to have fun and play and whatever. Last Friday, I had to sing for the first time, and while I am a terrible singer, for some reason, it was a great time. I also rapped. Go figure.

I ate at Next. This was a living the dream moment. Such a peculiar, special thing. I want to do more things like this. I want to eat at Alinea one day. I think this is very much a thing that is art that happens to use food. I have a kind of emotional reaction to it. Probably because eating is so primal. My defenses fall away when I stuff duck in my mouth, I guess.

I got a short story published in PANK Magazine. This was a piece of fiction that I submitted a long time ago that got accepted a while ago, but the print copy arrived in the mail last week. It had a $20 bill stuck in it. (That's why self-publishing your fiction is the way to go, IMO. In contrast, I've made almost $600 off THE TUMOR thus far. I'm pretty sure 600 is more than 20.) For the last several years, as is the case with most of us, I'm used to seeing my work online. It was cool to see my words in print. BRESLIN was printed at the top of my story pages. Ink is real.

I got accepted to THREAD at Yale. The only reason I applied to this journalism program at Yale was because I saw a listing for it on Romenesko. I wasn't sure they would accept me, but I thought there was a decent chance they would. I was thrilled when they did. No, it certainly isn't the same as going to Yale, but who fucking cares! I am super excited about going to this. Journalism, journalism, journalism. I hope to meet some cool writers, and tromp around acting like a journalist, and meet some super cool mentors at the top of their game. Yay for Yale.

Getting over that whole thing, maybe. One thing I noticed that I wasn't expecting was that writing, packaging, and publishing THE TUMOR caused something in me to shift. I think maybe it helped me release some of my anxiety surrounding having breast cancer several years ago. Mostly, I avoid reading stories about cancer because they just make me anxious, But after I published THE TUMOR, I started reading more stories about cancer. News articles, essays, what have you. Recently, I went to Aruba, and I picked up a copy of Esquire for the plane, and I read "The Friend" by Matt Teague. It's pretty much one of the most terrifying things you will ever read. In cancer stories, it's always like oooh the battle and then fast forward over the dying part and then dead the end. Teague pulls back the curtain on the dying part, and my god it is just ... I still haven't gotten over reading it. It haunts me. But it makes me want to be a better writer, too: pull back more curtains, be less afraid, show the world what others haven't seen so they can't unsee it. I noticed that when I wrote "Blood Sacrifice" a few weeks ago that it was a story more about recovery than about illness. So congratulations to myself.

Oh, and I got on Instagram. Or, more importantly, I started posting boob selfies on Instagram. Recently, I had a friend diagnosed with breast cancer, and she sent me a photo of her boobs, and I sent her a photo of my boobs. Tit pics are the new dick pics. You can see in that Instagram beach boob selfie that the one on your right is a bit smaller. That's the one that had the cancer. I had a lumpectomy. The tumor was on the inner curve of the boob. The lady surgeon cut around the areola and opened it like a door and pulled the tumor out through the opening. I hope they waterboarded my tumor after they removed it, I told my friend. I suppose that's not nice. It was just doing what malignant things do. Eating people. Go eat someone else, Mr. Tumor. I got boob selfies to take, you shitty prick.

In any case, I don't know why I'm depressed. Genetic programming, maybe. I shouldn't be.

Thanks for reading.

Buy THE TUMOR: "This is one of the weirdest, smartest, most disturbing things you will read this year."