You Won't Feel a Thing
From left to right:
“Un Chien Andalou,” dir. Luis Buñuel, 1929
“A Clockwork Orange,” dir. Stanley Kubrick, 1971
“Minority Report,” dir. Steven Spielberg, 2002
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Smoke Gets in Your Eyes
My latest newsletter is live. Read it here. Subscribe here.
An excerpt:
“Not that long ago, I read something that said Brazzers was in Burbank. Brazzers, if you’re not aware, is an adult production company, and I live in Burbank. I had a hard time believing that Brazzers was based in such a sleepy part of the San Fernando Valley.”
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Ravaged
“Everyone says you were beautiful when you were young, but I want to tell you I think you’re more beautiful now than then. Rather than your face as a young woman, I prefer your face as it is now. Ravaged.”
—Marguerite Duras, The Lover
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Newsletters I Like
Image via Vintage Everyday
Here are a few newsletters I like:
The Ankler. Richard Rushfield’s insider take on the film and TV sausage factory.
Noah Kalina. One man’s attempts to find joy in a world that thwarts him.
Austin Kleon. An eclectic mashup of art, life, and impetus.
Neal Ungerleider. Good for people into marketing, communications, and words.
Valleywood. By me, it’s one part Porn Valley, one part Hollywood, add a dash of sarcasm, and stir.
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Quitting
If you’re not watching “Lovecraft Country,” you’re missing the best show on TV. Last Sunday’s episode featured a mind-blowing vivisection of race in America. It starred Ruby in a shape-shifting scene that is unlike anything you’ve ever seen.
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The Horse
As seen in Burbank. A shot from my Instagram. Taken with my iPhone 11 Pro Max.
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ICYM
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I See You Shiver
A shot of the Nuart Theater from my Instagram. The theater was built in 1929.
From Wikipedia:
“The Nuart was the location for the theatrical world premiere of ‘Beyond the Valley of the Ultra Vixens’ directed by Russ Meyer. Edith Massey of ‘Pink Flamingos’ fame performed on a makeshift stage with her punk rock band The Incredible Edible Eggs featuring Regina 'Gina' Schock on drums prior to Ms. Schock becoming a member of the all-girl rock band The Go-Go's. Director Michel Gondry filmed part of Beck's video for ‘Deadweight’ at the Nuart. The Nuart is mentioned in ‘Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death.’”
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In the Backseat
All my life I want money and power
Respect my mind or die from lead shower
I pray my dick get big as the Eiffel Tower
So I can fuck the world for seventy-two hours
— Kendrick Lamar’s “Backseat Freestyle”
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PEN15
If you haven’t seen “PEN15” on Hulu, you really should. In theory, it sounds like a series that would never work. Two adult actors play grade school versions of themselves alongside young actors. But it’s genius. It’s seriously cringe-worthy, endearingly revealing, and LOL hilarious. Watch it. Season 2 is coming soon.
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A Trip Down Memory Lane
My latest newsletter is out. Subscribe here. In this week’s edition, I ponder my life choices, consider the dominatrix, and contemplate the role of the sex doll during a global pandemic.
An excerpt:
“ […] but that all sounded so boring, and then I thought it would be more interesting to write about a guy who makes sex dolls and says they’re ‘a perfect COVID-19 companion’ because they ‘can be enjoyed without another individual in the room — and yet it feels as if there is.’ […]”
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Who's Listening?
The other day, I found myself walking past these monstrous satellite dishes in Burbank. I think they are there for a TV studio to broadcast from? But I’m not sure. I’d walked by them several times in the past, but getting closer to them required walking onto private property. This time, I decided to investigate by walking up the driveway and then snapped a few shots of two big dishes that I could see on the other side of a hedge. Then I kept walking down the street.
As I walked past another driveway, I saw there were more dishes, and I could get closer to them. So I walked towards them. There were a series of large dishes, and some other smaller things doing I don’t know what. There was also a small building with a sign that read 2901 SATELLITE BUNKER. It all felt very @socialistmodernism. I wondered if the dishes were transmitting information or receiving information or both. I snapped more pics. Then my phone rang, and a woman walking by asked me if she was going the right way to the Chick-fil-A, and I walked back to my car.
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The Stories Project
Yesterday, I posted a link to my Twitter feed, where I’d posted a GIF-heavy “Hire Me!” thread in which I outlined the different types of work that I do. After that, I created a series of Stories on my Instagram feed featuring the top 10 reasons why you should hire me. You can see them in my Stories for 24 hours, and after that they’re archived in the Highlight folder entitled “Hire Me!” at the top of my profile.
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Hire Me!
I wrote a Twitter thread about ways in which you can hire me. Retweet it here.
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Your 22 Minutes
In this week's newsletter, I try to remember how I ended up on Playboy TV, share how to recognize Your 22 Minutes, and reveal the famous men you encounter on dating apps when you live in LA. Read it here. Subscribe here.
An excerpt:
Last week I mentioned that one of Hollywood’s most famous (and shortest) TV executive producers hit me up on Tinder. When you live in L.A., dating apps are sprinkled with folks you’ve seen on the screen. Among those I’ve spotted in Swipeland: Mike Judge, The Allstate Guy, Stuttering John, Todd Bridges, and a porn director who shall remain nameless. I’ve since quit Tinder—again.
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Waves
Watch “Waves.” It’s atmospheric af and beautifully shot in Southeast Florida.
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Photojournalist Barbie
Did you know Mattel makes a photojournalist Barbie? You can buy her on Amazon for $12.
She comes with a lion cub, a camera, and a National Geographic. She’s dressed for the “field wearing brown pants, tan boots and a top detailed with a vest, insignia and pocket for a realistic touch.”
She has over 300 reviews and five stars. But there’s one catch. From the reviews: “Only thing that kept it from a 5-star review was that I expected the legs to bend but they do not. Straight arms straight legs.”
Must be hard to take those shots without bending your arms and legs, Barbie.
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Lovecraft Country
If you’re not watching “Lovecraft Country,” you really should be. It’s brilliant.
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Scream
A recent shot from my Instagram featuring a mannequin and the mountains.
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On Newslettering
In April, I launched my first newsletter. (Read it here. Subscribe here.) Since it’s been a few months, and I've been enjoying the process, I thought I’d share what I’ve learned about newslettering thus far.
It’s fun
Like blogging in the early days, when the medium hadn’t been co-opted by corporations, blogging felt like a radical act. Newsletters feel that way now. In this space, there aren’t a ton of supposed-to’s, and the energy is a bit more wild, wild west. That’s inspiring and refreshing.
It’s easy
I use Substack as a platform for my newsletter, and it really couldn’t be easier. If you’re thinking about doing a newsletter, I recommend Substack. It’s easy to post, it’s easy to see your stats, and it’s easy to deliver to your audience. Also, it’s not in a silo. Depending on how your settings are set, your newsletter can also appear online for non-subscribers to read, in addition to arriving in your subscribers’ email in-boxes.
It’s pivotable
If you decide you want to change how you’re newslettering, you can do so relatively easily. At first, my Substack domain had my name in it, which wasn’t a very good idea, because my name is too hard to spell. Then I changed it to Valleywood, which is a compound word that combines the San Fernando Valley, where I live, and Hollywood, which is the predominant LA culture. Maybe I should’ve named it The Reverse Cowgirl, or maybe that would have sent it into people’s spam folders. Who knows. Also, initially, I was writing them more like essays. Then I started writing them like listicles. I like the latter format better.
It’s slow to grow
At least for me, my newsletter audience has been pretty slow to grow. I’m approaching 200 non-paying subscribers. My click-through rate, which is how many people open the newsletter to read it, is pretty high: around 64%. Judging by the feedback I’ve gotten, on social media and in emails, people are enjoying it. Here’s one review: “One of the most intelligent and entertaining newsletter you will ever read!”
It’s cheap
There’s no overhead to do my newsletter, except for the time that I put into it. I don’t think I have the reach yet to go paid. But one day, I may. Or perhaps it will always be free. We’ll just have to wait and see.
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